the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
