I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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