My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
