I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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