I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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