I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
