You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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