so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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