So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
