Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
