I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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