It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
