Got a toothbrush?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
