if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
