oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Dignity is for republicans.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
