Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
