I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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