If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
