I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
