Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
