I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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