Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
