The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
