Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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