Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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