I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
