Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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