I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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