i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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