so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
where are my eyebrows?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
