you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
pray to the hookup gods
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
