First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
