Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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