In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
