I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
