is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
