just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
