Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
