I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
