you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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