Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
