Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Randomize
