Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
