Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
