He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
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