these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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