I just threw up on my dentist
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
