Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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