you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
