Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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